I’ve read a lot about depression and there’s always an advice: Keep a journal! Write about your feelings! Well, I’m not good at keeping journals or writing about anything. Although I do it a lot in my mind. Some days I’m at home or work and in my mind I have a great text for a blog post but when I log on just — blank!
It’s been an odd day today. I’m not feeling well! Have no idea why. I just woke up feeling different. I’m very emotional and feeling worthless. I’ve been thinking a lot about my life and how I don’t like it. I don’t like who I’ve become. People say: Love Yourself! Don’t care about what other people think of you! It’s so damn hard! I pretend I don’t care but deep down it’s killing me.
I’m so tired of feeling useless, worthless and ugly. It’s hard when your colleagues/ co-workers are stunningly beautiful and follows what fashion/society dictates and I’m there, being myself but no one sees me for what I am because I don’t wear make up, don’t hit the gym, don’t straighten my hair. I’m different! I’m the one who does not fit in.
On top of that I hate my job. I hate talking to people — probably because of my social anxiety — and as a receptionist at a hotel guess what? I have to interact with different people, maintain some sort of small talk while they sip on their coffee at the lobby.
Friends and family members are frequently saying how great it is for me to have got this job because now I can work on my social skills. I took this job because I was unemployed for a year and a half! I’m great at it. I got a raise/small promotion this month because I’ve been doing so well. However, by the time the clock strikes 10 p.m, I barely have any energy to drive back home. A ten minutes drive, with no traffic, feels like a 60 miles trip.
Funny thing though, I used to be a teacher and a environmentalist. I’ve presented lectures on Environmental Preservation in front of hundreds of people, including mayors and other authorities on Preservation and Conservation. When I look back, I realise that I was way better at dealing with my anxiety struggles, but now I’ve no clue of what has happened and what I’ve become.
After a week or so, I am back! I’m the kind of person who finds an excuse on everything to hide from the world. Lately, I’ve been using work as an excuse to hide from my problems and fears. Is that a bad thing? I suppose it is. Anyway, here we have 5 more questions out of 30 Questions for Self Discovery.
- List all my small victories and successes.
- Getting a degree in Biology.
- Spending some time overseas.
- What’s bothering me? Why?
Lot’s of things bother me. Most of them has minor importance. But today, and for the last couple months the highlights are: being single and not having a better job.
- What are my priorities at the moment?
I thought it was to work and save money to study overseas. But I’m not putting much effort on that. Lately, I don’t have any motivation. Finding a better job should be my priority at the moment. I’m not putting as much effort as I should.
- What do I love about myself?
My eyes and smile.
- Who means the world for me and why?
Besides my family and don’t care about anyone else.
- If I could share one message with the world, what would it be?
We’re not better than anyone else. Regardless of their job or position on society, we are all equals. Treat people well.
This is it for now!
Here we go. Another three questions.
- What is going right in my life?
Nothing.I used to think that by now, in my late twenties I would have a career, a family and would be happy.
- When did I experience joy this week?
Yesterday, at the shopping with my mum and sister. That’s not something we do a lot, in fact. that was the first time in about four or five years. I was happy. There we were, walking around, window shopping, observing people hurrying through life, laughing.
- What am I grateful for? List at least 10 things.
- My Family
- To be alive
- To have a job – despite not being my dream job
- To have a shelter over my head – despite living with my parents
That’s all I can think about. How about you? Can you list 10 Things you are grateful for?
I’ve come across an interesting list today on Pinterest – link here
It’s called 30 Questions for Self Discovery and I liked the idea. This way might be a good way to keep this blog going and still find something about myself. I’ll try to answer three questions at the time.
So, here we go. First question:
- How do I feel at the moment?
Crap. I feel like crap. And lost. Like a loser with nothing to show for. All I want is to dig a hole and disappear.
- What do I need more of in my life?
Acceptance. Self esteem. Appreciate small gifts of life.
- What would make me happy right now?
I could say loads of money so I could get out here for a while. But deep down I know that money is not what I need or what would make me happy. Maybe a simple message. A text. A recognition that I exist and I am good enough.
Maybe I am not good enough. For anyone. Just hope some day I can understand why I wasn’t good enough for so many things ans so many people.
Do you know who you are? Because I don’t. I have absolutely no clue what I am supposed to do. I’m in my late twenties and feel like I have wasted a lot of time. All the things I thought I would have accomplished at 28 years old haven’t happened.
My life sucks. I wake up one hour before work, get back home 8 hours later and back to the bed until I cry to sleep.
Waiting for the day some light will appear at the end of my sad, dark tunnel.
If this time, this only time, I finally accomplish something, this blog will have a second post. Yes, that’s the kind of girl I am. Start lots of projects and never finish it.
‘Till next time,
Hope to share here my insecurities and thoughts about being 28 years old and still having no clue about what to do with this messy, complicated life. We might bond through some ideas, experiences and insecurity. In this process I really hope I can found myself and someday find Happiness.