Before I start pointing the changes I’ll be making on my life style, I think it is important to understand my current life style so today I’ll share how I’ve been in the past 10 months.
After years taking controlled medications and never getting better I gave up. So, for the past 2 years I haven’t been on any treatment and it’s been hell. There’s a reason you’re not supposed to stop/start a treatment without doctor’s support.
As I’ve told before, I work at a hotel. I’m a receptionist. My shift is from 3pm to 10pm – Monday through Thursdays – and 2p.m till 10p.m on Fridays and Saturdays.
I was unemployed for almost 2 years before getting this job. I was looking for something in my field and apparently I wasn’t good enough for any openings I applied. But that wasn’t my only problem. I lost someone. A little girl, daughter of a very good friend of mine. She was 4 years old. I was devastated. A drunk driver took her life.
After that I lived in my room. Only left for bathroom, food and once in a while, shower. I would take a sleeping pill after another just to sleep the whole time and not interact with the world. One day, my mom and sister got me for a conversation. You know, the one you don’t want to have. The one that makes you feel even more worthless. They said: “Enough is enough! You have to get a job and get over what has happened”. They love Isabella as much I do but they’ve found a way to cope with their loss. I haven’t. ‘Till this day I can’t say her name without tear in my eyes.
For my family, they lost Isabella and they were losing me. I know they meant well and was hard hear some of what they had to say. You don’t just snap out off it. I was tired of they saying I was weak and I HAD to made an effort to get better. Needless to say it didn’t help, only made me even more mad. You just don’t decide to get better. No one choose to look themselves on a room, taking pills to sleep just to avoid life.
My family is very religious so, for them I had no faith and when I stopped going to church well, it didn’t help. I understand religion is an important part of our life and does help us cope in difficult times and gives us hope but I was lost in my own dark world, trying to find myself.
After a few weeks, I heard that a hotel was hiring. Not in my area, salary not great but I took it just to shut my family up. I didn’t do for myself. I did for them.
I leave work around 10:15 p.m and by 10:30 I’m at home. Take a shower, eat some cookies with chamomile milk tea and after a very busy and stressful day I hope for a good night sleep. Guess what? By 4 a.m I’m still wide awake. Around 5 a.m I finally fall asleep. After a good morning sleep I wake up at 1p.m, drink some coffee and white bread, shower, get dressed and go to work.
At work, I have 30 minutes break for dinner. My meal is a two grilled cheese with extra cheese. Some days I order some sushi, burger or pizza. Then 10p.m I leave work and the cycle starts again.
Sundays, my day off, I spend the day in bed. My meals consist on coffee, cake, cookies or bread. Some Sundays, when I feel a bit better I cook. Funny thing, I used to love cooking. Planning different meals for weekends but now I never have energy or motivation to do.
I’ve got used to my work. I don’t love it or hate it. I’m just there. I exist in another place where I’m judged for being me. This work drains me of all my energy. No one can tell I have social anxiety. I hide it quite well. In ten months I’ve got a promotion which made others mad. I do my job well and some days I’m proud of myself. What hurt is that I’m not there for myself. I’m there for my family.
You might be wondering, why change now Amelia? For the past 4 weeks or so, in 12 years of struggles I started having suicidal thoughts. It frightened me. I don’t want to die. I’m just hurting. As you may imagine my family doesn’t know about this new stage of my life. I KNOW they will turn on “See what happens when you turn your back on God?”
So I’ve decided. I’ll take care of myself, try a different treatment, work on my self-esteem and pursuit what will make me happy. I have to start living for myself. And no, I haven’t turn my back on God. I pray and know that He looks after me.
I love my family even though they have different approach to certain things – that’s family right? – and I’m grateful that they pushed me over the edge. I’ve reached the break point I needed to overcome my struggles.